I consider myself a writer and find it so much easy to write but this letter has been the most difficult piece ever for me to write, maybe it is too close to home. I have continued writing and erasing as I battle to find words to say, tears fill my eyes and sorrow my heart.
Reading through while writing this letter much of sounds so familiar to me and the realisation strikes that, this is a letter I had wished that my father wrote to me. maybe he did and never had the courage to send it or maybe he never did, never bothered. Well I don't want you to spend your life wishing I did.
My passion has become your curse, my happiness your pain and my sanity your loss. My son, a piece of me, I continue to fail you but yet your hero I remain, you stay so proud of calling me daddy. how I sit everyday thinking and crying to the memory of you that fades pass me faster than a formula 1 racing car, wonder how tall you are now, what your favourite song is, your bed time story but all this are just wishes for me as I remain so far away from you. The empty heart that resides inside me becomes more hollow and weak, my whole being becomes colder, I am incomplete and fading away fast and the death we are all so afraid to confront takes an extra step towards me.
How I would like to blame others for our separation but the truth is i've let you down, I failed you. the truth is I fought for myself and not you. I became concerned with what i wanted and not what was good for you, I forgot the role of a father, a role I had to teach myself and wouldn't want you learning by yourself. This is not time for me to teach you principles and maybe it is also too late for me to fix things, I will attract criticism and attacks but i have spend too much time worrying about getting hurt well being separated from you hurts more than all i have been running away from. I am not looking for an award nor a gold medal I spent too much time chasing and receiving those. Life has thrown challenges my way and will do yours too, some things you achieve in life will be more toxic to you than good, be firm and strong, remember never to be strong physically but emotionally that will hold so much together when your world falls apart. Your number one responsibility is to love and protect your family, be a man that I wish I were.
There was never a moment I loved you less or even cared less, my fears, mistakes and ego should never be a reflection of who you are. You are a fighter, a winner, My Champ. I will not spend this precious time telling you about your mother's and Mine failures, but rather assure you of the love we have for you and the joy you always have been in our difficult lives. So here are a few things I learned, walk tall hold your head high, love unconditionally, work hard, protect those you love and take responsibility for your actions. It may not change the world and the wrongs done, but I love you.
Ps: I am sorry for the hurt.....