Sunday, 1 March 2015

Unfinished Letter to My Father

Dear Daddy

Can I call you that, Daddy? Pardon me for asking Sir but I am not really sure what to call you nor who you are to me, I battle to relate to you, don't know what you like. Just the other day many years ago when I was approached by a very kind lady selling fathers day merchandise I tried to pick up a gift for you, so I thought initially that tools will be great but was unsure if you enjoy fixing anything I mean our relationship has been broken for years on end now, thought of a cd but I don't think you do listen to music cause my heart has been singing with a very sad voice a tune begging you for a hug but never received one, a melody to guide your feet tapping towards my direction but am still waiting. I took a very long time thinking of the gift and finally, finally yes I gave up.

Oh dear father, how much of me is you? how much of your failures will shape mine and fears will haunt me. How much I wish to be an apple that falls and rolls far away from the tree, the one picked and packed in the box to be sent to a place of great appreciation. The fear of being my fathers son paralyses me everyday cause I do not know how to be or even if its who I want to be.

How confusing are the feelings of love I feel for you in all this confusion, how I want to make you proud of me, how much I wanna measure up to you but yet again be able to respect a woman and never use my fist on her. How much I wanna feel love from you but realise that I have to give love to my own children from the place of emptiness. 

Oh dear father how much I wish I could finish a letter to you but like many attempts before have no words to complete one........

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