What Changed? - A letter to the boy I used to be

Tick tock, the sound that marks the passing of my youth as time gathers momentum and races away taking me to a place of strange feelings and foreign visions, this is a letter to the boy I use to be.

Hi there, I hope you are still there somewhere, that you still exists and your challenges didn't destroy you. I am always inspired by your winning spirit, how you fought the odds you were faced with and still remained fearless. my eyes fill up with tears each time I walk a mile in your shoes. I realise how much your pain has become my makeup, I am a product of your misfortune, the mirror of your anger. I envy you, a boy that made a man. I wish i came before you so i may have created a better mould of whom we become. 

The man I am at times wishes to be a boy you are, there was so much life in you, not much possessions but so much love and happiness. So much I wanna learn from you, how you could just love so unconditionally, forgive so easily, give willingly and generously when you have nothing. I wish to go into your heart and inherit the feelings of loving beyond the pain, the joy in loyalty, the warmth in belonging and realise the loneliness in pride.

I fought so much to become the man I am, I fought so hard and forgot to enjoy the boy your are. I only realised how unkind life treated you but was blind to your fulfilment, satisfaction and joy so I started fighting to take us to a place in life where we are in control, where we have belongings and power. A place where people will envy us, I gave you all that but i took from you what I can never give back. I took from you Love, joy, satisfaction, humility, I removed from you your  relationships, family, your kids, loved ones and I lost all of it somewhere on this journey. I traded your happiness for all that surrounds me not who surrounds me.   But still I ask "What Changed"?

To "The One" who got away - Letter to my Ex

I am not sure who to call you, your real name has faded from my mind cause it was never who I referred to you as. But also your pet-name had been replaced by the insults and names that where thrown between us during this bad time that has seemingly replaced great moments in time. "The One who got away", is it you or me? does it even matter anymore? We have spent so much time to figure out who is right or wrong, but is it important? See these are all the questions we needed to perhaps ask ourselves.

I am completely confused most of the time as I no longer know what is real and when it is creation of my imagination, did we have all those happy moments or is it just my mind playing tricks on me? When the world stood still each time we kissed, when positions meant no greater value than being in each others arms, when special little moments where more valuable than a holiday. If all this happened then we were lucky to have experienced such. 

Well if we were this happy then why are we apart? what changed? I was going to write this letter to tell you where you went wrong but I have just realised where I have went wrong and maybe that is what matters, I will acknowledge my contribution to our pain as that is all i'm entitled to. A man is suppose to protect and I have failed to protect you because I focused so much on owning you, consumed by making you mine. Put you in a glittering cage and hang you on top of my high chair so you can sing only for me. My providing for you became my biggest focal illusion as all I begun providing became material and stopped providing the care, the understanding, the smile and the joy. The love turned into an obsession, I started loving you to death, your death. I took a journey on a road that would one day have taken you away not only from me but everyone who loves you so much, the hand that was meant and expected to provide you shade in the scorching sun when raised became the hand that would strike you without hesitation, a fist that was suppose to be raised in your honour and provide you the strength became your most feared vision just before you shut your eyes hard and hope not to wake up again. I started quantifying all I gave in love and measured it up to the respect you gave me, to the efforts you made, the mistakes you committed. Forgiving became more difficult with each mistake committed, I measure and you weighed less.

We have hurt each other, let ourselves down. We have proved naysayers right. We have given love a bad name, we became a dream turned nightmare. But for as long as it lasted we were unstoppable, inseparable, a force, amazing and had a great run. This is one letter i wanna go on writing but just as i get to this part I realise we don't even talk to each other anymore, we begun keeping our eyes wide open around each other cause there was no more trust and as we blinked, like a great magician the love disappeared. . . . 

Thoughts of a displaced child - Letter to my parents

Mom and Dad

I hope that I become a little voice that both of you can hear because I realise that the voice inside you has been silenced by the friction of emotions, I hope my thoughts can bring warmth into your hearts cause I can realise that you have become stone cold inside and your heartbeats have faded and buried underneath the iceberg your love has become. I call you Mom and Dad because I can no longer stand the names you call each other, yet you want me to mirror the image of love.

Love? what is love I ask myself because if what you have between the two of you is love then I don't want to ever fall in love, the emptiness you hope for each other now resides in my life. The look on your faces when I mention one of you in the presence of another makes me wonder if I look beautiful to you, if I mirror an angel or only just a painful sad memory of a failed relationship. The dried tears on my face are becoming so permanent like the scars you have engraved in each others hearts. I am told of a fairytale love through the pictures of your past that I steal a moment with in your absence as they remain buried deep in boxes marked "Do not open". They smile, embrace, sparkle, joy, excitement, playfulness I see on them tells a different story to the terrible love story I live in. 

Well tonight I am going to go to bed without a bedtime story nor lullaby while the two of you try to prove to each other how much you don't need each other despite how I need you both, while you try so hard to blame each other and forget that this was your choice but i'm the one bearing the scars. I will dream again the same dream I dream each day; the dream where I wake up on my birthday and both of you are in my room to hug and kiss me then sing for me, take me to school after opening the gifts, to later where i receive first price for my speech at school where i speak about my little perfect family during honours night, to when we get home and you open my school report and tell me how proud you are of me, then light up the christmas trees after having dinner with you and my two grannies who are so proud of me, then to that lullaby. see how I try to put my whole life in one night so that you can both be there? Well Mom and Dad i hope you are happy and will meet someone you love while I loose the one I love, oh I suppose I have to call them Mommy or Daddy too. 

A message to my daughter - Letter of a fearfull father

My Dear Daughter

I am so excited to see you grow but yet again the chills on my back as I realise that one day you will not be the little girl I can hold close and protect paralyses me. I realise that the only thing a father can do for his daughter is prepare her for what life will bring, but even that has no guarantees that she will choose right and be safe. I realise that what i want for your life may not be what you want for yourself and that it may disappoint me but that cannot stop me from  hoping. 

Every time I see you excited and running around jubilant I want to take that and put it in a jar close it tight and put it away for the day you are feeling sad then I can give it to you and bring you a smile, just like how my grand mother use to do with fruits. I watch you colouring in your book with such a sparkle in your eye and I want to preserve that love of books so as to guarantee your future. 

I see when you look at me how proud you are of me and i don't want to blow your bubble but daddy is not perfect baby, I have made so much mistakes in life and have hurt others, you will realise this as you work to bring your siblings together and reconcile. I want you to know who you are, appreciate and love yourself. One day you will grow up and love someone don't expect them to be like your Daddy, don't measure them to the love and successes of your father, they have their own challenges to overcome. If I ever fail you as a father don't direct your anger at him, let yourself feel something special whenever you can. I have had failures in relationships, probably it is the one area I have had most failures and I suppose more lessons learned. Don't ask from others what you cannot give, appreciate the little things they do for you as they are not obliged, In love respect and trust are not earned they are a gift you give, you will get your heart broken once or twice maybe thrice that is no reason to give up, your relationship is not your friend's so don't leave choices to them, take time to think of something before you say it words hurt more than anything. One day when you have met someone i will have a chat with him, I will tell him how difficult it is to please a Princess, to love a prima donna, encourage him to never use his fist but heart, to focus more on his actions than put too much attention on words.

My little baby.... the world is not disney world, not everyone wants to see you smile, there will be much older man wanting to prey on you run, there will be unfocused young boys who wants to deflower you preserve yourself, don't stay because you have no choice fight. You are going to make so much mistakes and feel ashamed but never hide away from me because i love you just the way you are and will protect you with all my might. As years go I will be old fashioned, boring and a nag, know that is because i want the best for you. I have so much dreams and hopes for you, I wanna see you graduate, walk you down the isle, hold your little ones and watch you from above as you bury my body one day. Love yourself, stay alive, choose wisely.

Yours 

Daddy

Letter to my unfairly punished Son

Dear Son

I consider myself a writer and find it so much easy to write but this letter has been the most difficult piece ever for me to write, maybe it is too close to home. I have continued writing and erasing as I battle to find words to say, tears fill my eyes and sorrow my heart.

Reading through while writing this letter much of sounds so familiar to me and the realisation strikes that, this is a letter I had wished that my father wrote to me. maybe he did and never had the courage to send it or maybe he never did, never bothered. Well I don't want you to spend your life wishing I did.

My passion has become your curse, my happiness your pain and my sanity your loss. My son, a piece of me, I continue to fail you but yet your hero I remain, you stay so proud of calling me daddy. how I sit everyday thinking and crying to the memory of you that fades pass me faster than a formula 1 racing car, wonder how tall you are now, what your favourite song is, your bed time story but all this are just wishes for me as I remain so far away from you. The empty heart that resides inside me becomes more hollow and weak, my whole being becomes colder, I am incomplete and fading away fast and the death we are all so afraid to confront takes an extra step towards me.

How I would like to blame others for our separation but the truth is i've let you down, I failed you. the truth is I fought for myself and not you. I became concerned with what i wanted and not what was good for you, I forgot the role of a father, a role I had to teach myself and wouldn't want you learning by yourself. This is not time for me to teach you principles and maybe it is also too late for me to fix things, I will attract criticism and attacks but i have spend too much time worrying about getting hurt well being separated from you hurts more than all i have been running away from. I am not looking for an award nor a gold medal I spent too much time chasing and receiving those. Life has thrown challenges my way and will do yours too, some things you achieve in life will be more toxic to you than good, be firm and strong, remember never to be strong physically but emotionally that will hold so much together when your world falls apart. Your number one responsibility is to love and protect your family, be a man that I wish I were.

There was never a moment I loved you less or even cared less, my fears, mistakes and ego should never be a reflection of who you are. You are a fighter, a winner, My Champ. I will not spend this precious time telling you about your mother's and Mine failures, but rather assure you of the love we have for you and the joy you always have been in our difficult lives. So here are a few things I learned, walk tall hold your head high, love unconditionally, work hard, protect those you love and take responsibility for your actions. It may not change the world and the wrongs done, but I love you.

Ps: I am sorry for the hurt.....

From Me

Your Father

Being a father

The topic or argument of what it means to be a good father is one that is extremely touchy and sensitive. this is because we perhaps all want to have a say in it while raised differently and mostly don't even have first hand experience at a fatherly relationship.

The confusion is spread so widely across all races and social standings, yet the question still stands "What make a good father?", we all would like to believe and see ourselves as great fathers but are we truly? 

What makes a man a great father, is fatherhood linked to wealth, is fatherhood the sacrificing of one's happiness? these questions comes to my mind when i see fathers that are attacked by their partners/families the minute they cannot provide financially, when they decide to move away from being abused by their spouses. i will be the first to admit that i may not clearly know what a good father is as i was raised without a father, but is one groomed to fatherhood or is it a natural instinct? 

Fatherhood is about children, it is about your relationship as a father with your kids, it is about protecting them while providing for them. Fatherhood should take centre stage role in your life as a father, the relationship you are in you choose to be in, but your kids it is not a matter of choice but a duty. You cannot as a father link your role as a father with your role as a partner, where you can withdraw from being a father when a relationship doesn't work. Your kids will become what you make or didn't make them, they will become the sort of parent you are. To break the curse of your father you need to be a good father to your kids and not a better father to your one. Remember fatherhood is about the relationship with your kids and not any other person.

Women have a tendency to become judges of how much of a bad father their partners are, truth is as a woman you have no idea on what fatherhood is rather than what you have built in your mind about it. Instead of judging help him understand your wishes, it would be unfair to judge your motherhood ability why judge others?

My 2 year old making popcorn for movie